3 things I learned from Marriage & Divorce

My divorce is final *cue happy dance, a glass of organic wine, and Stevie blasting on the speakers in my new solo goddess abode*

I am grateful for the lessons, the pain, the two miscarriages that course-corrected and initiated me into my mature feminine creatress/mother power, and the spiritual tools I gained when I was at my lowest and most disconnected from my own soul’s truth. I am so ready to leap into this new life chapter with vibrancy, passion, joy, and dreams that now have the space and energy to grow. So much has already expanded and changed since my separation, I can only imagine what’s next because the vision is BIG!

This journey of legal separation has been a long and frustrating process for my impatient, fiery spirit. It’s been testing my tolerance of others, of outdated systems, and my physical, emotional, and energetic boundaries. I always do my best to be compassionate while staying in my power and listening to myself, but I can’t help raging against the patriarchal programs that make it seem impossible for the masculine to behold a powerful, evolutionary woman with a voice that destroys illusions and creates heaven on earth.

I found the formal legal process of it all to stir up a lot within me, as it brought out a cold, hard, cut-throat side in others, but that is just the energy imprinted in divorce in most lineages, I do believe. The impulse for most is to go into a state of fight/control in order to protect oneself out of fear. My paperwork and correspondences were loaded with patriarchal language, declarations, and outdated feminine oppression programmed by the generations before us, which is, of course, “standard,” but annoying to take in. But when I went to look up the origin and history of the word divorce (because I am a total word nerd) I was listed with suggested popular google searches like “what divorce does to a woman,” “will god forgive divorce,” and “Is it ok if a woman remarries?” *pauses to dance out my anger towards the projections women carry from not being seen or valued in their sacred feminine roles for thousands of years*

It has taken me 6 months to begin creating from and talking about this phase of my journey, and I have a lot to say. Just like the woman typing the worried questions listed above into google, I found myself afraid of what others would think if I expressed my Truth. I was worried about the emotional well-being of others involved in my marriage because these were people who couldn’t see me or understand my feminine expression. I was afraid of triggering people who may not have a strong enough sense of self to accept other realities and truths. I know the truth is triggering, but I am here to be a Sacred Truth Teller…it takes a lot of courage to be in your feminine power! I am learning that it is ok to not be liked, valued, or understood by many, but I still need to express myself, even if doing so means a lot of people will exit my life because the light of truth that shines in the darkness is sometimes blindingly bright. Through this censoring of my truth to serve the well-being of others, I was not honoring that my own emotional well-being is tended to by my own authentic expression. I write to heal and expand. I write to process. I write to feed my feminine hunger, which was starving through marriage. I write to liberate and story-tell the feminine experience because the feminine IS life. So here I am expressing something so many of us have gone through, something that needs a woman’s voice instead of the silent shame and guilt carried by a topic loaded with projections.

I am officially divorced and it is a beautiful blessing. I don’t believe in mistakes. Sure, maybe I should have said no to an impulsive proposal when my inner voice was saying no. Sure, I should have listened when the voice of my soul told me to leave 100 times or was crying out with unmet desires and needs or being gaslighted over and over until I questioned my own reality. But I listened to the 101st cry and learned 100 profound lessons along the way. Wisdom gained that I will use in my work supporting women in their own journeys of voice-creative liberation. I’ve learned so much about myself through this brief chapter of my life. But there are three big lessons that radically changed my life by remembering them:

1. A woman is only in her power if she is owning her power of choice, choosing her desires and needs and dreams first before those of others. Look, relationships are work. We’ve all heard the saying that marriage/partnership is a daily choice and agreement to show up in love and union. But the keyword is choice—YOUR choice. You don’t have to choose a relationship that isn’t a right match just because you signed a legally binding contract (the only thing you are truly bound to is your soul). You don’t have to choose a partner that doesn’t see/hear you. You don’t have to save or heal the wounded masculine. You don’t have to choose a relationship that brings out the worst in you. You don’t have to choose a partner you don’t feel respected by because you have kids, a house, a business, or anything else that feels binding. Your soul made the biggest choice of all to come here to Earth to CREATE. And creation means to change. To evolve endlessly. To CHOOSE what your soul desires daily, not what others/family/fear chooses. This is your feminine superpower.

2. You are not here to sacrifice your own pleasure, joy, or power for the security of love and belonging. After a string of deadbeat boyfriends through my 20s and partners living in very different realities with very different foundational morals and beliefs than me, I can say I have learned what I want and need in a partner and realized that I am just not the kind of woman to sacrifice my own pleasure, compromise my dreams and desires, or silence my witch wisdom to be digestible for the fear dwellers of the world. I am learning to stop resourcing belonging from outside myself, letting go of the wound women have threaded through them by living in a world disconnected from the Mother/feminine force. Through marriage, I remembered that a woman sacrificing her will to create and enjoy the fertile abundance of life is a woman giving her power away. You never have to compromise or sacrifice your dreams and desires for anyone or anything, ever. I don’t care how cute/charming/promising/sexy/shiny/powerful the other person/opportunity seems. The earth needs women in their power, choosing from the soul, claiming their creativity, and owning their magic. And we need partners that are anchored in their OWN light so that our light can just be to shine for ourselves and be in our own power, not to feed others so we go hungry as we ignore our needs while tending to others.

3. Put down the pliers and embrace that when things are aligned, you will feel uplifted and inspired to grow. Coming back to the relationships are work story, there is a difference between work being like pulling teeth, suffering, or trying to break down brick walls with force, and the work of healing through partnership by opening your heart to trust and receive more love, which can certainly feel heartbreaking and like hard work at times as you let go of control, soften, and open. I used to think the fundamental separation and misalignment between me and my former partner was just another spiritual task to conquer. I’ve always believed I can heal and transform anything, that’s how I have gotten from where I come from to my current reality, so I dove right in. And I worked HARD—trauma therapy which further wrecked my nervous system and opened wounds that I didn’t even need to open, healers, trainings, books, podcasts, and exercising demons that were not even mine to begin with. I did endless clearing to rid stagnation and stuckness from my body and environment. I prayed and made offerings to ancestors on both sides of our lineages and tended to every karmic pattern single-handedly. I did all of this to try to align with a partner who didn’t believe he needed to heal anything, that he had no karma or ancestral wounding to tend to, which created quite the polarity as a transformational agent of a woman here to heal and support others in their evolutionary journeys. The fixed nature I was up against was exhausting my energy. I got gray hair, aged 6 years in 1, and put on weight to help anchor me through it, meanwhile my partner started looking more youthful and brighter than when we met. I went through this healing overdrive which resulted in strange, unexplainable symptoms (which all vanished the day I decided I was leaving) only to realize…I don’t have to do this work, nor do I want to. I was making myself sick by feeding all my energy and light into the growth of another when I should have been liberating and feeding myself. You can’t evolve a person/lineage that is not ready to evolve or force a person to grow. It is also not in everyone’s soul contract or soul desire to evolve their consciousness or be on a parallel/aligned path as you. If you are with someone who isn’t open to growth or isn’t supporting your growth you just have to ask yourself if you are willing and happy to stay where you are at, containing your fires of transformation, or if it will be a sacrifice to stay where you are at. Yes we don’t always grow at the same time and at the same pace and that is ok, we all have our own rhythm, but we deserve to have partners who are open to change in the same ways that we are if we desire a love that evolves together in sacred union. Partnership should be built on a foundation you share, not on different planets.

Through it all, I have ultimately learned that I am not for everyone, and everyone is not for me. Sometimes there is misalignment due to not trusting your soul’s voice and choosing a different path from whatever fearful voice within you is telling you to choose to be accepted, safe, and belong. It is ok. We don’t have a lot of modeling of women strong in their choices. It is so easy for a woman to slip into a pattern of self-sacrifice to serve others because it is what women have been doing for thousands of years to stay safe and not get burned at the stake. It is unconscious for many, though I hope through all my work I can support women in realizing where they are not honoring their dreams/needs/desires/nourishment so that they too may choose differently, choosing the path of the soul above all. Because the voice of the soul is the only power that will guide you home to where you belong.

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