Honoring Fertility Pt.3

Have you ever felt like creating your dreams has required immense force, like pushing up a mountain, triggering desperation, or manipulation to get what you need?

Have you ever felt like you give so much, create for much for others, but have a hard time receiving or feeling a clean and empowering energetic exchange? EI. Not totally exhausted and burnt out by all that you do?

Without receiving there is only pushing and forcing. Without receiving there is only exhaustion and confusion around why our dreams and creative visions are not coming into form. Without receiving, you can create, but you will never be truly fed by your creations. 

Receiving can often bring up shame, guilt, or feelings of being undeserving depending on the conditioning and subconscious beliefs we carry. These are all things we must learn to face and heal in order to truly open up to receive.

At the very foundational level, receiving can look like becoming comfortable receiving a gift from a friend or a compliment from a stranger without dismissing, disassociating, or deflecting. But true receptivity is trusting that the universe can and will provide for you, that you do not have to try so hard, push so much, and exhaust yourself as you create what you desire. 

Being a self-made creative who left home as a teenager to be an artist (and has never had any other career), with no outside support whether that be familiar, monetary, or even often community support along most of my path (on the contrary as I have received many attacks and a lot of persecution in my career from within my industry and other public spaces), I have deeply struggled with this energetic the most along my creative journey. 

For most of my life I have tightly held on to a story that says that I have to create and do everything on my own to have what I need and desire, both for myself and also taking on that responsibility for those I create with and for. A story that says I cannot actually receive any help or support, whether that be from spirit, my guides, from community, loved ones, or even the people I serve within my work.

And although I have created so much in my career: A world-renowned one-of-a-kind tattooing modality with residencies from New Zealand to Italy, press in many dream outlets, two published works by age thirty, a Sacred Tattooing School, a Soul Tattoo certification program, retreats, and more (all of which were birthed one after another in a ~6 year span), I have rarely felt truly fed by my creations as they feed the world.

There is a part of me that has shown up as a machine for creativity and even a commodity for others to receive. I am really gifted at creating something from nothing, and there has been an external demand for it. I also have massive soul dreams and visions and I will show up fully for all of them no matter what it takes. This is my devotion. On the outside it could look like I have mastered the art of birthing anything I dream into form, and in many ways, I have, but true mastery is not created by pushing and forcing and doing as a feminine being, it is created through receiving. By enjoying our artistry and experience of life. By indulging in pleasure. By carrying ourselves in health and nourishing our mind, body, heart, and soul in the deepest ways possible. By allowing the creative pulse within to feed ourselves first.

Most of my clients are tired mothers longing for space to reclaim their creative energy for themselves, potentially just beginning a career and life of their soul dreams. Many of them may have children old enough to be more independent, and so they are taking the time to commit to their creative energy for maybe the first time in their mother era, maybe even their life. This may mean it is the first time they are committing to become financially independent outside of a partnership, or simply learning how to nourish themselves, discovering their desires, what brings them pleasure, liberated the silent mystic and oracle within and speaking their needs, knowings, and dreams. Though I do not have physical children at this time, I have always felt this to be a reflection of myself and my medicine in the deepest ways. I have spent most of my life very tired mothering everyone I know since I was a child. Although, in many ways, I love it, it’s so natural to me to care for nourish others, and it gives me so much purpose, I have often felt myself just waiting for everyone to be fed so that I can finally feed myself. Can you relate? This actually is a form of people-pleasing and stems from a fear of receiving, or feeling undeserving of it.

Most of my career was built without breaks and time to just be, trying to fit in moments of creative pause when I can, but struggling to make the time as so many people are calling me out and needing me. Like the child that yells “MOM, MOM, MOM” over and over and over until you answer. The feminine is hungry and I have vowed to spend this life feeding this energy through my work, but it will never actually work if I don’t feed myself too. It will never actually work if I think I have to do it alone. It will never actually work if I don’t open to receive, to be fed by my desires, spirit, creation, nature, and even all of you!

And this is exactly what led me down a path of studying and reclaiming the energetics of fertility so that I can show up more nourished, in joy, pleasure, vital and radiant health, and receiving all that I desire with ease, grace, and wonder as I create the life of my dreams, guided by my deepest soul desires. So I can feed myself as much if not more than I feed others in my life. Because this is the feminine’s true nature.

And receiving looks like allowing. It looks like letting go and letting love in, becoming flexible and malleable in the hands of creation’s cyclical ways and love’s great mystery. It is to simply be as much if not more than you do. It means trusting that you are not here to carry it all on your own, and the universe has got your back.