Newsletter Writing from 2020
This year has been a big initiation into the dark and mysterious waters of the feminine. Personally I have been on an intense journey of healing the feminine much deeper than ever before. At the start of the year in a plant medicine journey at the beach I was shown by Spirit the unity of birth and death in women, and the repression/fear of life and death imprinted in women. I was shown how women have stopped birthing as well as are afraid of death, how the two energies respond to one another and affect each other, how this is creation and needed to bring balance to the Earth, and how this was at the root of our collective stagnancy.
In this vision Spirit showed me on the shore of the sea pregnant and in labor, but I was told I was dying. Fast forward a couple of months I actually became pregnant and began my initiation through death. From the day I found out I was pregnant I felt death looming. What I imagined would be an exciting transition was maybe the darkest months of my life. In my two months of pregnancy I suffered from intense/terrifying nightmares/visions and fear daily. I have no fears of mine own around motherhood that could have triggered this, but I felt like I was dying! Like I was all alone and in the dark. I felt disconnected from Spirit, abandoned, and attacked. I was tuning deeply into the shadow energies that attempt to control life. I was clearing out fear and pain held in my womb through my maternal lineage. I was learning to behold death.
I had walked through such a deep and dark underworld space that by time I found out I was going to miscarry and move through the death portal, I felt the energies of rebirth start to flow in. As I was actually in labor just shy of 11 weeks, despite it being the most painful experience mentally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally of my life thus far, I felt the light that had grown in the darkness. I felt so supported and trusting, guided and strong. I had so many allies and guides around me. Even in my grief as I buried our baby under an apple tree, my sacred ally of rebirth and healing, I felt so much light inside of me. It felt new life oozing from my being. It felt very confusing to process at first! Being a human is wild. My heart felt like it was dying, yet at the same time I felt more alive than ever before & had so much energy to create, to love, to nurture…my heart energy felt so expansive! Some dreams I planted the previous year started blossoming right away and many dreams I was ready to birth began to sprout after a long dormancy. I felt this profound clarity and understanding of life.
This was what the ocean and the plants were trying to prepare me for, an initiation into deeper feminine creation—the cyclical wild nature of life and death. To not fear death nor life, or to suppress death or life, but to cherish and understand both as sacred. Since then I feel like I have died and become anew every month in this rhythm of intense pain and soft peace. I have had an identity crisis each month as a part of me I once clung to dies and a new version of self emerges that I feels so foreign to who I have been. If there is anything this year has taught us, is that we can no longer stay the same. Change must happen. This is the way of the feminine.
Death is a powerful portal to walk through as a woman, and one we must walk through many many times in order to create the life we came here to create. It’s simply a part of our nature. We must get comfortable with the darkness, look at the fears, and allow them to teach us how to strengthen our relationship to Spirit, and trust. Spirit doesn’t abandon us ever. It is only we who abandon ourselves when we let fear overtake us. Life is born in these spaces of darkness, and when we sink into these moments we can cultivate such a deep trust in life. We are all dying and witnessing the death initiation in some way this year, and the time for rebirth is coming. It is time to trust in life and trust in our ability to rebirth. Be with the energies of fear, ask your fear questions, see what lies beneath the shadows. Be willing to look deeper, beyond yourself and into the mystery of all life. Have courage and trust that all life is continuously in motion and the goddess of the dawn rises even after the darkest nights.